Hungry Hungry Hippy

Okay, there are officially only two reasons to run.
1. Your ass is on fire.
2. Someone is chasing you, with a knife or something else very sharp and scary.
Because otherwise, it just sucks, pointlessly.
Case in point: today, I decided to go running.
This decision stemmed from the crappy afternoon I spent with my iPod, which was stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my existence.
See the problem already?
The only good thing about going running, ever, is that it gives you an excuse to listen to ridiculous music. If I was simply on my way to work in the morning, or wandering the aisles of the grocery store, and someone caught me humming along to "Womanizer" or "Dance -- Too Much Booty in the Pants" I would be embarrassed. But when you're running, they may look at you funny but who cares? Because then you're just gone! (Shout out, Phoebe.)
But here's the thing. When your iPod is ignoring you, and so you decide to go running, you run in silence.
Or rather, you run listening to the sounds of your own wheezing and gasping for precious breath.
And you increase the chances that you'll inhale a bug as you suck wind, which means you then have to listen to yourself hack and make that awful old smoker gutteral noise.
All I really want to do is sit here on the couch, breathing normally, watching Best and Worst Beach Bodies on E!, drinking a glass of wine and complaining about nothing.
All the running in the world is not going to diminish the curviness of hips like these. And I read somewhere that once you get cellulite, you never lose it. (I also read that once you lose your eyelashes they never grow back. Does anyone know if that's true?) So, really, if I'm going to have these big ole hips anyway, doesn't running around just seem... childish?
Anyone?