A letter to my nine year old.

Nine.
Nine. 
Does this mean your childhood is already halfway over? That thought is somehow equal parts inevitable and incomprehensible. 
In some ways — very much by design on your part, and in spite of any effort on mine — you already feel like a teenager. You play Fortnite (that is ALL on your father) and cuss (okay that one’s probably on me) and are developing a somewhat serious online shopping habit (also me). 
I think of all those months I coached you, implored you, to just say ‘mama’ and it feels like yesterday. Today you called me ‘bruh.’ 
You say all kinds of made-up, Gen Alpha things to me that I have to pretend I understand, even though they aren’t even real words, just so you’ll keep telling me all the things. 
And for now, you do. You still tell me every thought you think. In the car, after lights out, on bike rides and without hesitation. You tell me so much, and it’s like catching a bubble in my palm. So beautifully simple and terrifyingly fragile. 
Mostly you tell me the little things, the daily things, the fleeting things. But sometimes you talk through the process of growing up and figuring this big world out. 
And you tell me about your feelings. How big and sometimes heavy they can be. 
You feel so deeply and I know sometimes — a lot of the time — you wish you didn’t. It still feels uncontrollable to you, and that feels bad. Scary. Embarrassing. 
Those feelings are what make you human, and what make you you. Extraordinary, extra special you. Those feelings are what will push you forward, wherever you’re pointed. You just have to make up your mind and set your feet. 
This world would undoubtedly be less volatile if there were less deeply feeling people in it. If we were led by the apathetic, the uninvolved. But we’re not. We’re led by people just like you, with big emotions and strong opinions on full display. We see what happens when deeply feeling adults refuse to regulate their behaviors, or when they haven’t grasped (or don’t care to) the effects of their rampages. It’s scary, I know. I know that’s not how you want to look to the world, or exist in it. 
But we can also see deep feelings become the very best things the world has to offer: the art, the music, the books (oh, son, the books) that make us soar, make us sing, leave us swimming in emotion. Invention and creativity cannot come from anywhere other than that deep pool.
Because to create the best things, you can’t just think. You can’t just obey. You have to feel your way through. Artists do it, sure, but so do teachers. Doctors. Engineers and architects. Police officers, parents, presidents of countries and PTOs. 
These are people with deep feelings. They carry on with the weight of emotions beyond anything that should be sustainable. And yet, they do. We do. We carry it. It’s heavy. And you’ve already learned that, in your heart and in your always-spinning head, you carry a heavier load than some others. 
I promise you, my love, that weight will not crush you. Please keep trusting me, as you learn to trust yourself. Because in that little body of yours there is more than sadness, or anger, or frustration.
There is love that positively oozes out of you. Joy at life. Empathy and kindness and curiosity — all these things are your feelings, too. 
The lows will be harder, it’s true. The valleys kind of suck and there’s no way around them, at least no way I’ve yet found. 
But the valleys weren’t designed to hold you. 
The mountains were. 
That’s where you’re meant to be. Right there at the top. Big ideas and big dreams and, yes, big feelings, are the only way up. 
Hail to you, my mountain climber. 
How I love you, Emmett James. 

A letter to my eight year old.

It’s getting harder, all this. This is hard. There. I said it.

 

I thought if I just came right out with it — that this is harder, eight years in, than I ever thought it would be — maybe it would seem less true.

But no.

It’s all true. It’s very hard.

 

We talk so much about teenagers.

I see the tug of war going on inside your fourteen-year-old brother: the kid and the man fighting for space and dominance.

When will it be you, like it’s now him, the slow build of childhood into — all of a sudden — a fully formed half-adult who grunts and dates and breaks out and sprays so, so much cologne?

 

We talk so much about tweens and toddlers and newborns and new graduates, all the momentous milestones and precious, meaningless moments.  

 

Why don’t we talk more about eight year olds?

You’re nearly as close to middle school now as you are to preschool.

You’re expected to add and subtract and sit still and speak with kindness and sometimes, I know, you forget the words or lose what little semblance of control you have over your days and your expanding, exploding mind. You yell. You cry. You make weird noises for no apparent reason and at inopportune times.

It’s hard to navigate this world you’re in, isn’t it.

Hard to know what to do and how to act and who to trust.

Hard to name, let alone contend with, the big emotions you come by so naturally.

And so you push at every boundary, toe every line. Test all the patience and rub up against every last nerve I’ve got, creating friction like an electric shock, so that sometimes all I can bring myself to say is zzztt.

It’s hard to parent you. To know what’s best for you. To be confident I’m guiding you forward instead of holding you back or stifling or overstepping or, conversely, not doing nearly enough.

 

And yet.

Through it all comes the quiet voice in the back of my mind while I watch you sleep, or play soccer, or write your stories, or give me an executive-level sales pitch on why you should be allowed to play Fortnite.

We’re right where we’re supposed to be.

I go to bed a lot of nights aching from the effort of being your mom. I’ve never wanted to not screw something up so badly in my whole life.

And I go to bed every single night knowing, at least on some level, that I’m doing okay.

Because you’re doing amazing.

You are such a happy kid.

You are so enchanted with the world and curious to find your place in it. To make your place. You exude confidence (okay, arrogance) and are utterly delighted by the stupidest, funniest things. Mostly farts. Still. Still with the farts.

You have friends and hobbies and talents and goals.

You’re growing up my love, and even the words are enough to make me tear up from the sense of impending loss.

When will you have your first real crush? A true best friend? How much longer ‘til you want to be a hundred places other than home with me? When will you last curl into my side so I can rub your back and whisper twinkle twinkle while you drift away from me toward… what?

 

I know it’s not my job to steer you. So I’ll try to show you instead. I’ll dole out hugs. I’ll help where I can and yell when it gets to be too much and listen and laugh at your cleverness and, honestly, sometimes, probably your farts. Mostly I’ll just try to keep up as you go wherever exactly you’re meant to go.

 

I’ll just try to keep up, even when it’s hard.

How I love you, Emmett.

A letter to my seven year old.

I’m not going to lie: You’re really going to have to up your game if this coming year is to hold a candle to the last one. 

Just think of all the things you did for the first time as a six year old…

**You rode a school bus. Which took you to kindergarten. All day. Every. Day. I’m exhausted just typing about it. 

**You learned to write. Sort of. I mean, your spelling is equal parts adorable and atrocious, but you get an A for effort and for somehow figuring out how to complete sentences with either no vowels, or only vowels, depending I guess on your mood. 

**You learned to read. Holy shit, how the world has cracked open for you in magical, mysterious newness. More on that in a minute. 

**You lost teeth and made friends and gained new knowledge by the truckload. 

**You learned some ways to be a better teammate, how to make a really good couch cushion fort, and about “time and place,” like when and where it’s appropriate to make loud and surprisingly realistic farting sounds or to use your middle finger. 

**You learned just how much you hate when things feel unfair. You have a seriously overdeveloped sense of justice; very, very little in your world is fair, and it pisses you off. 

GOOD.

Because, baby, it doesn’t get any better on this side of adulthood, even though it seems like, by now, us grown-ups should have figured out how to share and how to take turns, how to speak kindly and respectfully, how to include and welcome and embrace. We’re still learning, too, honey. It will help us all if you continue to see unfairness in the world and call us on it. 

(I'm holding firm on this one, though: Salmon for dinner is not “unfair,” it’s “heart healthy.”)

And still, you put yourself out there, over and over again. On the soccer field, on the playground, in your classrooms, here in the safe haven of home. 

You shy away from nothing, you brave, brave boy. 

And so your world just keeps getting bigger. 

Not much gets by you. You are an observer, a take-noter, a “let’s go see” kind of kid. 

So here’s what I want from you, from seven and upward. 

Don’t just notice the world around you — acknowledge it. 

Acknowledge when people are speaking to you. Look them in the eye. Recognize their interest in you. Return it. 

Point it out when something catches your interest. Sparks your curiosity. Maybe not, like, literally pointing, which we’ve had to talk through a few awkward times, but note it. Mention it. See where you sense differences and question discrepancies. 

And read. Read, Emmett. Be a reader. What a gift you’ve given yourself by mastering this new skill. Read voraciously. Read everything. 

Because you know what readers are? 

(Bookworms. Dorks. Nerds. I’ve been called worse, son, trust me.) 

Readers are frickin’ smart. 

They’re well-educated and well-rounded and articulate and interesting. 

And just as importantly, readers are empathetic citizens. Because to read means to allow yourself to take in someone else’s thoughts, and perspective, and vulnerabilities. You won’t like everyone you read about, just like you won’t like everyone you meet. But the more you can imagine where they might be coming from — where they might have been — the more you can see when something is unfair (really unfair, not salmon unfair) and, my little love, the better equipped you’ll be to help fix it. 

The world is out there, and wide, and yours. 

Be cognizant of it, and kind to it. 

How I love you, Emmett James.

A letter to my six year old.

Your dad did this thing when we were first dating. Actually well into it. Sometimes he still does it, now that I think about it. I'd be mid-sentence and he'd get this look on his face. And I'd interrupt myself to self-consciously ask, "What?"
And he'd say, "Who are you?"
Or, "Who is this Jessica Stone person?"
He was simply baffled about where I'd blown in from, how I'd settled so completely into his world, taking over his life and his living room and making him whole new people to take care of. 
It was kind of disconcerting, the question, but kind of sweet. 

And I get it. As I leaned over you tonight, tucking you in, before I knew what was happening the thought crept in: Who are you? Who is this skinny person with the sharp elbows and the joyous laugh and all the answers? Who are you, Emmett?

Every day it seems you're someone a little different than the day before. I know they say that about newborns, about infants, but they don't warn you about the phenomenon that has carried us right up to elementary school, where I can see no end to it in sight. 

Every day your universe gets bigger — and with it your vocabulary, your bank of opinions, your curiosity. Your assuredness, but conversely your apprehension. Your worldview and its influencers, people I don't know. People you describe as your "new best friend who chased me at recess today," but whose names you can't quite ever remember. People who get to spend more of these days with you than I do. 

Still, though, I know you better than anyone. By which I mean I know you better than I know anyone else, but also, I know you better than anyone else knows you. I know your scent and the timbre of your voice and when you're about to jump on me, even if it's from behind. I know what frustrates you and what delights you and the size of your hands and that, left to your own devices, you will unequivocally lie straight to my face about whether or not you've brushed your teeth. 

And yet, you're an enigma to me. 

I don't know what you dream at night and I'm afraid that by the time you could tell me, you won't. 
I don't know whether you'll be scientifically minded like daddy, a lazy creative like me, or something else entirely, something entirely unto you. 
I don't have the words to keep you near me at all times (and I don't know, if I did, if I would. It's probably just best that I don't). 
I can't fathom why you're so obsessed with weaponry and farting. 
I don't know who you're going to be tomorrow. Which is exciting, because I know whoever it is will be amazing, and terrifying, because I don't know how to keep that precious person safe. 

"What's the rule?" I call out to your fleeting, fleeing back. For a while you indulged me, hollering over your shoulder so I could hear, if the wind was traveling the right way, "No dangerous tricks!"
Lately, though, as you've pedaled toward the playground, you've just answered with, "I already know the answer to that stop asking!" I'll note that you shout this at me from an unhelmeted head, from the middle of a street you've crossed without looking one way, let alone both, with no sense of irony. 

And I realize my fatal flaw: We've not come to terms with what we define dangerous to be. 

Perhaps that's what six will bring us, with all its new mysteries: alignment on what's yours and yours alone — like your dreams; what's always going to be ours; and how, together, we'll keep you growing, keep you learning, and keep you out of the emergency room. 

How I love you, Emmett James. 

A letter to my five year old.

I have to admit, Noodle, I’ve been dragging my feet on this one for a bit. You’ve been five for two weeks already, but the truth is, there’s so much to say it’s hard to know where to start. It’s been a doozy of a year. But we’ve carried on bravely, you and me, I think, in spite of all the dooziness.

 

Here’s what I’ve tried and failed to teach you so far:

·       To snap.

·       How to pronounce yellow (“lello”) or cupcake (“pupcake”) or Jeb (it’s more of a “Zseb,” like Zsa Zsa; and sometimes, it’s just “Dog! Come here, my dog!”), although you have nailed “coronavirus” which is equal parts endearing and sad.

·       That not everyone, dogs and cats included, want to “battle” all the time. I know I don’t. Stop sucker-punching me.

 

What I’ve had moderate success teaching you so far:

·       The lyrics to Hamilton. You make up a good chunk of them, but your spirit is in the right place.

·       How important words are. All of them, even the ones you can’t pronounce yet. Learn as many as you can. Choose them carefully. (Longer is not necessarily better. Never say utilize when you can just say use, for crying out loud.) I've said it before and I'll say it again: "poop" is not as great a word as you think it is. Remember the two most powerful ones, in any scenario: thank you. 

 

And here’s a quick look, my fiver, at a few things I’ll never be able to teach you:

·       How to be colorblind. Because you’re not. None of us are. (I mean, except for the people who actually are. You know what I mean.) Don’t be. See all the colors. Mix them up. Use them in unexpected ways.

·       What it feels like to be Black.

·       How afraid a mother is to send her boy out into the world. Me, because you’re a little bit insane and fucking fearless and use the words “most dangerous” with glee as you set off for the swings or eyeball rooftops. Her, because she doesn’t know what about the way her son looks might trigger someone’s fear or violent bias.

 

This year, only your fifth, has already been fraught. With tension, with illness, with the unknown, with the broad awakening of some and the stubborn shutting down of others. But it’s okay. It’s good. Because that’s where the change comes from. And whether it feels okay or good right now, we are living in a time of notable change. For women, for people of color, for those who identify themselves and their view of the world differently than I do, or than you may as you grow into your own perspectives. Don’t believe the cynics who say nothing will change. They’re protecting themselves, or trying desperately to. They’re the reason nothing has. Instead, believe in the dreamers. The resisters. The question-askers. The protestors. The fact-finders and the truth-seekers. Watch them. Listen to them. Empathize with them; when you can't, find compassion for them anyway. So you’ll be ready to join them when you’re called to do so. And until you are, I will carry this torch for us, the one you’ve lit inside me.

 

You have already proven your value to this world a thousand times over in your short few years here. It steals my breath to imagine what you’ve got in store for us as you learn and grow. Just not too fast, my love. Not too fast.

 

How I love you, Emmett James.

Mama.

 

We’ll bleed and fight for you. We’ll make it right for you.

If we lay a strong enough foundation, we’ll pass it on to you; we’ll give the world to you and you’ll blow us all away.

A letter to my four year old.

You are, in innumerable ways, so perfectly, purely, indelibly, ordinary. 

Don’t get me wrong — not for one second — and mistake me for saying that you’re not anything special. Everything you do is tinged with special. With the extraordinary. But framing up all that extraspecialness is… a pretty run-of-the-mill toddler. Just a kid. Your typical preschooler. I find it, you, so comfortingly, frustratingly, expected. 

Just like so many four year olds before you… 

You stall like a champion, award-winning, black-belt, heavy-weight staller. 

You can do it yourself. 

You bang on everything.

You jump off everything, oftentimes while banging on something. 

You can do it yourself.  

You beg me and your dad not to kill ants or spiders or mosquitoes. (I always listen (except for the mosquitoes) and your dad becomes Rambo in the presence of anything with more legs than us.)

You can do it yourself.

You sing Old Town Road… the Emmett remix (“Got the ‘Vengers in my bag and the Snoopy Dog poop”). 

Everything is a competition. 

You love to be read to, to be sung to, to stand up when you pee especially when you’re outside. 

Your hide-and-seek skills are still woefully underdeveloped. 

You can count high and spell your name and you tell the best bedtime stories. 

You dance, you march, you race, you skip, you play, you snuggle, you laugh, you entertain. 

You ask questions. So. Many. Questions. 

You can do it yourself unless you need help and then you cry. 

And all that means I become every run-of-the-mill repetitive mom of a run-of-the-mill crazy four year old. You hear the same things from me, over and over and over and over and over and that’s not even close to the number of overs I could list. 

Watch where you’re going. 

Yes, you can take a bubble-y bath. And probably to follow it up with a chocolate-y treat. 

Be careful.

No, you can’t climb on that. 

Stop climbing on that. 

Get down. 

Pull your pants up. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD be careful. 

I love you too. 

This year, baby, let’s work on figuring out where you can be special, and where it’s okay to just be. I can’t wait to see where your extraordinary self takes you. What excites you and scares you and challenges you. It’s going to be an exciting, scary, challenging year, my little love, in all kinds of ordinary fourth-year ways. 

I hope you’ll carry mommy’s words forward with you, through four and into forever. Watch where you’re going. Take time to relax and smell good. Eat the treats. Pee in designated spots only. Be careful, my brave wrecking ball. How I love you, Emmett James. 

Year in (Book) Review: Q1

The Book of Speculation, Erika Swyler

One of my favorite accidents: I’m strolling through Target; I only have 62 things in my cart, so I’m on the hunt; I somehow end up in the book aisle even though I swear I was looking for … well, I don’t know what, but it wasn’t needed and it wasn’t a book; I pick up something I’ve never heard of on a whim and I love it. It’s super convoluted and kind of weird — it's got a librarian and some circus freaks — and it’s just right.

On Being 40(ish), edited by Lindsey Mead

As someone safely on the “ish” side of 40, I listened to a dear, dear friend and regular contributor to the book list talk about this one half checked out. Then, for her birthday (because she’s that friend) she sent me a copy of fun short stories written by ladies running the gamut from pretty young to almost old to one foot in the grave. (those might all be exaggerations.) It sits on my nightstand, all pink and little and cute, and it’s the perfect thing to read when you just need something lovely and relevant and sometimes bittersweet and sometimes hysterical.  

House Rules, Jodi Picoult

My take on that old cliche, as it applies to Jodi Picoult: She could rewrite the phone book and I would read it. There’s just something so inherently readable about her to me. This one’s the story of a mother, her autistic son who’s accused of a terrible crime, her non-autistic son who has his own uphill battles to climb, and how you cope with not having all the answers. Which is motherhood in a nutshell.

Becoming, Michelle Obama

This is not a book about

• politics
• Barack Obama

This is a book about

• a freakishly smart, incredibly gracious, humble, stylish, funny mama chick
• okay, sort of politics
• hope

If you’re politically inclined and lean left, read it. If you’re not at all politically inclined, lean right, want to feel slightly in awe and inadequate, and/or just think amazing women are amazing, read it.

My Husband's Wife, Jane Corry

Needed another spontaneous plane book. Have a propensity to gobble up page turners. This one fit the bill just fine: semi-creepy easy reading. Husband wants me to include a note that if anything mysterious happens to him, someone should check my Dateline notes.

Don't You Cry, Mary Kubica

Needed a spontaneous plane book since my copy of Becoming is hardback and heavy.

I admit to getting a little judgy — there are a few spots she tries a little hard for the, I don’t know the word (see why I write book reviews and not books) — the mood? (“The grass is brown. No longer green.” Thanks. Got it.) And also I figured out the ending really super early on, which I never do. But it was a fine choice for a mindless page turner. Plus apparently she went to Miami of Ohio so she’s got to be kind of cool.

You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero

Lemme start right here, right at the beginning: I'm not a self-help kind of person, book or otherwise. It's weird; I feel like I should be. I'm pretty introspective. I like improving as much as the next lazy person. But most self-help seems a little eye-roll worthy to me. A little ... much. But when your yoga teacher/girl crush/friend hands you a book — doesn't just give you a recommendation, I mean actually physically hands you a book — you take it. You say thanks. And you read it out of obligation.

And if you're lucky you end up loving it, in spite of yourself.

It's a little much. In the best way. Think The Secret, but with F bombs.