Years ago, when I first started writing down the random crap that pops into my head with frightening regularity and then decided, “You know, the general public should really be given an opportunity to read this stuff firsthand,” I set some ground rules for myself.
1. I would never just complain for the sake of complaining. Unless it was super funny.
2. I would never write anything mean about anyone. Or at least I would never name them. Unless it was super funny.
3. I would never use this blog as a tool for revenge against exes, homicidal dogs, boys I liked who didn’t like me back, or overachieving coworkers who make me look like an underachiever. Unless.... you get it.
It’s been a good run. Today, I break the rules.
Bitch, you know who you are.
And you know what you’ve done.
I am sick and tired of putting up with your crap and your crankiness and your sudden (and severe) mood swings.
What, you think just because you have “Mother” in your name no one can call you on your shit?
You think just because you have “Nature” in your name people will just assume you’re all warm and earthy and welcoming?
I call bullshit.
You need to get it together, lady.
Because I’m on the edge here, and if I have to hear “cold, damp, and humid” out of the weatherman’s mouth one more time, followed by phrases like, “for the foreseeable future” and “no end in sight” and “it’s not my fault dammit if you want sunshine move to f*cking Florida” I’m going to crack.
I miss my sundresses.
I miss my tan.
The novelty of my cute new Marc Jacobs boots wore off like FOUR MONTHS AGO.
I can’t get a decent shave to save my life, because I have goosebumps all the time.
I can’t understand why my voluminous umbrella collection is never where I am.
People are beat down, woman. You win. Please, just a smile. A sunbeam. Some sign of love and light before football season?
*A note of seriousness, though it’s not my thing. There’s a lot of horrible stuff going on in the world weather-wise. I get it. I may be complaining about wearing a sweater, but I did not have to pull that sweater out of a tree to put it on. I may need to pull up a blanket to sleep tonight, but I’ll lay down in a bed, under a roof. Please oh please oh please consider contributing to the Red Cross or The Humane Society or whatever organization pulls at your heartstrings.
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